i need help on my admission essay?

By | September 28, 2015

deadline is on dec 11, so i’ll need to get this ready at least by dec 7 or something. it’s a requirement for applying for a slot in the Ateneo Junior Summer Seminar, and i really want to join. please help me edit my essay…you can tell me which paragraphs i’d better omit, details i should include etc. btw, it’s unfinished. i don’t know what i should write as an extro or conclusion.

it’s about why the committee should choose me to represent my school in the AJSS. tell me if it sucks, because i have no experience whatsoever about these things. :) )

anyway here goes:

As long as facts or records are concerned, I’m just your average junior schoolgirl who takes her studies seriously but doesn’t exactly stand out. But there’s much more to me than my report card or the awards and certificates I receive; there is no room in the application form for dreams, aspirations, and attitude. These are what make up my character; these highlight me from the backdrop of the crowd.

I dream of being successful when I grow up (who doesn’t?). What exactly I’d like to be, though, is what I’m not yet sure of. When I was younger I wanted to be a lawyer, armed with books, brandishing a suitcase in court. Now, I’m not so sure. I have taken interest in a lot of things, like literature, music, psychology and math, and I don’t know which one I’d like to pursue, hence my indecision about the course I will take in college.

That aside, for now I’m focusing on maximizing my potential by taking on challenges. By that, I don’t necessarily mean joining contests. I mean the simple kind of challenges wherein my opponent is myself. I like the sense of achievement when I succeed or the feeling of having learned something when I fail. In this frame of mind, I dare myself to read Shakespeare, I do Kumon Math (where I’m now learning advanced math without a tutor), and I try to learn a foreign language with the help of phrasebooks and online resources. I see the AJSS as a great opportunity I can benefit a lot from if I’m accepted. And especially since it will be held during summer vacation, a time when I’m idle and when development is almost stagnant. I’ll admit, though, that this is my first time to be willing to give up five weeks of summer to study. Actually, ‘willing’ might be too weak a word for it; I’ve already decided that if I can’t participate in the seminar, I will take free college courses online.

Having said that, I’m still, in part, a typical teenager. I love my family and friends, anime, music and the Internet. Music, in particular, is a large part of my life; I play the piano and the guitar, and there is not a day in which I fail to either blast tunes from my loudspeakers at home. In school during recess, I am usually seen with a cell phone in my hand and earphones plugged into my ears. I’m not much of a social butterfly, but I do get along well with everyone, whether it’s at school, in church, or anywhere else. I enjoy making friends, and if I get to join AJSS, I’ll be acquainted with dozens of honor students whom I’ll get to know more of as the weeks pass; a great experience for sure.


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One thought on “i need help on my admission essay?

  1. Kevin

    Please note I didn’t look to check spelling and grammatical errors, as that’s hard to judge especially in an unfinished work and is something that should be checked after you are confident with the content.

    This essay is good. You did a good job in communicating that you are more than just numbers and data on a sheet of paper, and in every application process it is always vital to humanize yourself out of the stacks of dry facts the readers are going to be sorting through. As you edit, keep this in mind always.

    I would however try to omit things that make you sound weak, unsure, or not special. I know it can be difficult when you are trying to disprove them, but even if you do plan to say “I’m not boring,” don’t say “At first I come off as boring” as an introduction. When you only have a short amount of time to capture their attention and they are only going to be scanning through it, you need to make sure you present yourself as 100% amazing. In the real world we always try and always be humble, but application essays are not the place for that. You need to brag. Brag, brag, brag. Don’t say anything that will undermine the fact that you are absolutely incredible. Everybody has flaws, and they know that, but they aren’t interested in your flaws. They want to see who you are at your very best, and by including all these things will make them question if that really is you at your best.

    Specifically, I would take out all the stuff about you being an average, typical teenager who doesn’t stand out. The entire goal of your application should be to stand out and prove you are not average, but extraordinary, and you above all the other “averages” deserve this. Average people don’t deserve anything in particular, only the above average do, so keep that in mind when you are trying to make a case for why you deserve something.

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